SILENCIO

Ada yang terjaga hingga larut malam demi menemukan dirinya kembali berantakan, luluh lantah oleh perasaan. Ia akhirnya tumbang setelah berwaktu-waktu bertopeng tenang. 

“Maaf ya, aku lagi kacau.” katanya, pada penikmat konten setianya, termasuk saya.

Ada luka yang mati-matian dikasa agar tidak menganga, supaya tidak menimbul lebih banyak duka. Katanya, manusia yang kelihatan sempurna justru paling banyak menyimpan lara. Mungkin karena itu dia akhirnya menelanjangi sebagian kewarasannya dan bertekuk pasrah pada sepolos-polosnya jiwa.

Malam itu, sebagian dari kami menangis lirih, enggan membisingi malam yang terlampau sunyi.

Malam itu, segenap dari kami saling berbagi paham tentang kehidupan, tentang apa itu kesakitan.

“Aku cuma terlalu banyak berpikir akhir-akhir ini” Katanya, diselingi tawa yang dibuat seolah bahagia.

Selalu. Dia selalu tidak tersentuh. Segala hingar bingar dan cahaya berpendar-pendar selalu mengasingkannya dari manusia biasa tanpa nama. Tapi detik itu, lelah menjadikannya pribadi paling relevan yang dapat digapai segala perasaan. Membuatnya berhenti sejenak dari pura-pura yang membalut hidupnya dengan paripurna.

Ah, dia juga manusia yang tidak melulu bertopi sempurna.

Mimpi. 

Segalanya hanya tentang mimpi yang lagi-lagi terasa terlalu tinggi. Dia punya segala hal yang didamba jutaan manusia, kecuali keyakinan bahwa mimpi tidak akan mengusik percaya dirinya. 

Demi sebuah mimpi, dia rela jatuh berkali-kali. Melukai harga diri demi meruncing ambisi.

“Jangan khawatir, aku baik-baik saja.” Suara paraunya justru berkata sebaliknya.

Jangan khawatir dan baik-baik saja. Seru dan ungkap yang sengaja ditutur agar jadi penggenap harap. Barangkali setelah itu, segalanya memang akan kembali semula : bahagia.

Dan di penghujung kisah, kami semua akhirnya berkumpul pada satu titik rasa bernama pasrah, merapal doa yang sama agar esok semesta kembali tertawa.

(This supposed to be posted on February, but somehow I forgot to do it. I still can relate to this writing, so i decide to post it anyway).

Some of my friends asked me same questions these past 6 months.

Why X1?

Why X1 over so many boygroups out there? Why did I stan X1 anyway if I already knew they were only a temporary group? Why didn’t I just stan other permanent groups, a stable one, maybe EXO or BTS or Seventeen or Got7 or even IKON? Why X1?

Honestly, I’ve been asking the same question since the very first time I started stanning X1.

Of course because X1 was full of talented boys, but….. if I’m only talking about talent, there are so many more talented boygroups.  I mean, X1 just debuted for 5 months, they were a rookie. They did well but they also needed to improve their skill and chemistry as a group. You couldn’t compare them with any other group that has debuted before them.

If I stan a group because of their talent, maybe I wouldn’t be this worried about losing X1. Maybe I’ll just simply start stanning other talented groups or maybe I’ll just let them do solo projects and stanning each of them wherever they go. But I can’t.

It still hurts knowing they're being separated. I still can’t accept the fact that they’re currently doing solo projects or having a group project with different members. I just… desperately want them to reunite. If not as “X1”, then as “Xster” or “AX1AP” or even “X2”. And if not being called “One It” anymore, but “Priki” or whatever instead, I really don’t mind.

And I realize…..

Why X1?

It was because X1 is Han Seungwoo, Cho Seungyoun, Kim Wooseok, Kim Yohan, Lee Hangyul, Cha Junho, Son Dongpyo, Kang Minhee, Lee Eunsang, Song Hyeongjun and Nam Dohyon. It was because of all of them. They happened to be “X1”, that’s why I stan X1. If all of them debuted again in one group, even if with a different name, I absolutely would still stan them.

It was because Swoo was our leader, the one whom we considered as the most normal member but turned out to be a crackhead too, our main vocal, our beloved hyung.

It was because Uyon was our all rounder, our GAG man, our energy booster, the most crackhead among all, our composer, our woodz, our evan cho, our luizy.

It was because Useok was our unbothered visual, our cat king, our strongest member, our self-proclaimed sexy member, our boyfriend-material guy.

It was because Yohan was our center, our taekwondo boy, a rapper who sings well, our awokwokwokwok, our sweet bunny.

It was because Gyul was our main dancer, our hair stylist, our angel, the youngest among hyung line and the older among dongsaeng line, our crackhead, our annoying yet lovely boy.

(P.S. I'll give you many of Hangyul's pics because I love his visuals so much, I mean he really looks like a living art)

It was because Juno was our awkwardly-introverted boy, our webtoon character, our chajumma, our visual king.

It was because Pyo was our cutie pie, our beloved lil bro, our ippeo ippeo center, our “ppang ddudduddu ha” icon, our fake maknae.

It was because Mini was our Ippeo Ippeo main vocal, our blonde guy, our laziest yet smartest boy, our vanilla.

It was because Esa was our sweet boy, our kind boy, our soft-vocal specialist, our 2002 boy, our priki.

It was because Ujun was our girlgroup dance expert, our poodle, our cutie rapper, our vitamin, our lemon.

It was because Dodo was our main rapper, our big baby, our giant maknae, our mukbang fairy, our forever cute son.

It was because of all of them.

Up till now, I’m still waiting for them to reunite. I was so selfish to wish that they can re-debut with the same members, but now i realize that some members are already having their own groups and it’s likely impossible to include them to the reunite agenda. So, I’m already lowering my expectations. I’m no longer wishing them to be a full team, 8 is enough if 11 is impossible. Really.

So please, let them re-debut again! Please grant my wish! They need justice. Pleaseeeee!!!